Teaching Children Not to Share Works Better Than You’d Think

It’s OK not to share. In fact, these words from author Heather Shumaker are a motto more parents are using as they teach their children to share.

“The way we generally approach sharing backfires,” Shumaker said in a guest post for Positive Parenting Solutions. “Traditional sharing expects young kids to give up something the instant someone else demands. Yet we [adults] don’t do this ourselves.”

Instead of encouraging children to “Share your doll with Suzie, sweetie!” the minute another child shows interest in their toy, more parents are adopting the wait your turn approach, which teaches positive assertiveness.

“It helps kids stand up for themselves and learn to set boundaries on other kids,” Shumaker said. “The best part of all is when the first child willingly hands over the toy—it’s a joyous moment for both kids. That’s the moment when your child experiences the rush of good feelings that comes from being kind to others.”

Those good feelings provide the child with positive reinforcement that encourages them to repeat the act of sharing again and again, both with and without supervision.

While waiting can be tough for the second child in this scenario, it too teaches a valuable lesson.

“It’s OK for the waiting child to feel frustrated, sad, or angry for a time,” Shumaker noted. “Learning to control behavior and express intense feelings appropriately is really the main job of early childhood. Impulse control (waiting for a toy and not grabbing) is a vital part of brain development and gets stronger through practice.”

For more tips to help your child develop sharing and other social skills, check out 15 tips in Dr. Laura Markham’s article Social Intelligence for Toddlers.